Basically, I haven't much to say, except that I wanted to put these lyrics up. It is a song called Life and Love and Why by a band called Switchfoot. I think it kinda talks about the stuff that I am feeling right now. Here they are:

Life and Love and Why by Switchfoot
Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping and
All of your searching
For what
Ask me for what am I
Living or what gives
Me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve
Nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I
Living or what gives
Me strength
That I'm willing to die for
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Could it be all that I
Ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give a me reason for life
And for death
And a reason for
Drowning while I hold
My breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something
To hope for

Could it be true
Can life be new
Could it be all that I am
Is in You
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Can it be You
Can it be You

This song is very important to me and I will allow you to dwell on its words for a while. Read it through a second time if you must, but I think these lyrics are crucial.