Jason Kill on the subject of depression:

Depression is a nagging, lying whisper that robs you of your ability to recognize beauty and truth. Both of which are right there, always there, even in the dismal poetry of your comment. As long as you withold your name, you will feel like a vapor dissipating in the corner of a room somewhere. It is your choice whether or not you want to fade away. No one can pull you out. It is your decision alone.

Jason's words are the thoughts I've been having for the last two weeks. I can think of five people who live in a constant dreary state of mind. Two of which I have talked to and certain phrases echo in my ears. Such as "I don't know why I feel this way," "No one understands," "I feel invisible," "People don't care," "I can't help the way I feel," and "I can't change who I am."

I cannot help thinking of John Cusack as "Lloyd Dobler" in the great movie Say Anything. He delivers a line that floored me the first time I heard it. Addressing his very bitter single sister, he says, "Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?" I mean, really!

I feel there is a difference between someone who is genuinely sad and someone who is starved for attention. I also think there are those who exist somewhere in-between, where the reason they are truly sad is because of lack of attention from certain individuals. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with having emotions or hurt feelings, but I do see harm in non-action; when someone waits for something good, great, or miraculous to happen to them. But when it doesn't happen, who's fault is it? It's no one's. There is no one that is supposed to come to your rescue and no one who should "just know" that you're hurting and go out of his or her way to heal your emotional wounds. That isn't how the world works. There's you and there's God and your pursuit of that relationship will determine your joy. You can change and life can feel magnificently beautiful, no matter what your situation. You just have to try.

I have made the conscious choice and effort to see the "bright side" of the situation. I have decided to see that there still is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There are moments when I choose to be a cynic, but that's a choice I know I've made. Just like when I choose to be an optimist. They're both choices, they're both the same. And people will disagree and convince themselves that their sadness or depression is the fault of the world around them and "like a vapor dissipating in the corner of a room somewhere," they will have done nothing to change their circumstances.

Do not let your self get in your way of things that will make you smile and laugh and see the beauty in everyone's eyes. Smile and people will see the face of God. You will shine. Just how hard is it, really? And if you're reading this and thinking, I don't even know where to begin to start feeling happy. How can I just start feeling happy this minute? The answer is simple: Force a smile. As hard as it is, just do it. Once you start, you might even have a hard time stopping. You only have to decide.

Happy Thanks-giving Day. I give thanks to God for providing me an endless supply of love and financial support. I also give thanks for having family and friends all over the world who seem to like me a whole lot.

For having hands to write and play guitar with. For a mouth to sing and to pray with. For eyes to paint and take pictures with. And for a heart to live with. I am thankful for these.

Tell me what you all are thankful for. And also include your favorite dish that will surely be on the dinner table tonight. I'm excited for stuffing. As every year.

It's been almost a week since I became single again and I feel it's necessary to give a status report. Generally, the happiness I have is overwhelming. While a bit of me is sad, it's only because there are still questions I have left unanswered and I feel they will never be resolved. That aside, the joy in my heart dilutes any sorrow I may have. So much so that it's even hard for me to believe I was ever hurt. Me? A broken heart? Pfft! Please.

But the reminders are there. The daily encouraging words from family and friends. "How you doing? Is it starting to get easier?" The welcome advice from those who have "been there" and agree that I deserve better. Hmm... Maybe not "better"... Hard to imagine at this point. Although, I still know in my core that I've got to set the bar higher.

I visited my family night before last. They are truly beautiful people and I wish you knew how lucky I am to be part of it. After thoroughly enjoying every last one of them--father, mother, sister, brother, brother-in-law--my heart is overflowing with love and passion for my family. Because they care about me and I take that for granted.

Believe it or not, I'm not having "a moment." This isn't just a bunch of sap I felt like sharing with the world. This is simply how I've felt all week. Good. I just feel good. And infinitely happy.

Especially after seeing my brother. While every last member of my family makes me smile and laugh and reflect the magic of God in some different way than anybody, it was my brother that brought me to tears that night. Pure, joyful tears. Tears of laughter and tears of conviction. I was floored. And he made me realize that he is "the bar" for me. The bar. If someone can prove themselves as worthy and true as my brother, then they won't have to fight for me in the least. My best friend and confidante--Kyle has set the standard.

So just know that I'm quite happy. Despite the breakup, I'm as optimistic as I ever have been. My attitude is approachable, my hopes are high, and my goals attainable. I'd say becoming single has been one of the best things to happen to me since moving into my own apartment. Quite a thrill.

Thanks for all your prayers. I will credit them to much of my happiness. This has been a holy and blessed week and I couldn't have had it without your words of compassion and love. I (we) believe in the best God.

Nothing greater than Johnny Rzeznik.

Sympathy
Johnny Rzeznik

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need
(All I wanted)
And what I chased won't set me free
(All I wanted)
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

We're taught to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
You know your love's run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams aren't coming true

Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm

I wrote a new song today. Took me exactly four minutes, which means it's been dying to get out for some time. I love creative outbursts.

Untitled
Carly Bishop

Was it you?
Did I fail? Or was it you?

I don't mean
What exactly I mean to say

All the fun and
All the time
Has fled from our sides
You don't want and
You don't care
If I go or if I die (I'm so high)

Was it you?
Changing time or was it you?

I would go
But I don't have room to turn

All the bad and
All the good
Couldn't stop hurting you
You could have and
You should have
All the love I won't give you (I'd give you)

I would go
But I don't have room to turn

I have failed to mention the new "man" in my life. He was found in a cardboard box behind a dumpster. A woman waiting at her bus stop spotted him and decided to have compassion and take him to the nearest pet store. Which pet store? The one in which I'm employed, of course.

"Would you take him?"

"Me?"

"I figured you would know better than I do about what to do with an orphaned kitten."

"Sure. I'll take him."

And I took him home where he has since become a permanent resident in our apartment. When I first got him home, he was scared to death of everything. He didn't want to move at all. While I prepared a meal for him, I tried coming up with a name. I started calling him "Cheshire Cat," which quickly turned into "Chesser," which then turned into "Josser." The reason why "Josser" stuck was because it's the nickname of Jason Kill's younger and sweeter brother. Therefore, he is "Josser."

Amy loves him. "Even more than Rudy," she whispered to me tonight so Rudy wouldn't hear. As I spent my time wrapping Christmas presents on the floor, Josser busied himself with the tearing of wrapping paper, ribbons and bows, and then quickly discovered the entertainment value of a PacSun plastic bag.

Sometimes, I'm alone. This is one of those times. I stepped willingly into a situation without knowing what the outcome would be. But now I know. The results are that of a broken heart.

But you want to know something encouraging? Just seconds after he said "I'm sorry, Carly," and closed the door behind him, God let me know that it's all for the best. There has been no wrongdoing. We've been following our hearts and I don't regret a single moment we've had together.

It seems that this is my outlet of choice and the only way to deal with crying. Of course I'm crying. Just because I know life can only go up from here, I'm still miserable inside. I was in love and much of me still is and from this point on, I have to stop being in love. But I don't have a clue how long it's going to take. A while, I suppose.

I'm looking forward to going home. I need to see my parents and hug my brother. I need to call Leah and Ryan and Jets and Steph. I need to eat pepperoni pizza with Amy while watching late night TV. I need to pet my cat.

I feel empty. It's no one's fault, but having no one to blame makes it that much harder. I feel genuinely lost, like I don't know where to go from here. Obviously, I have to go back home. I fly out tomorrow around 2:00 pm. Dad's picking me up and I'm glad. It'll feel good to talk to someone who loves me and will no doubt say, "It's gonna be okay." Something I really need to hear in the next few days... or weeks...

So here's to the end of this chapter and the start of another. I have met, I have loved and been loved, and now it's over. I am stronger and I have done exactly what I've set out to do--to live life, to make my own decisions, and to learn from them. And you know what? I've stopped crying.

PS. Happy 2nd anniversary to my blog.

My, oh my. Thought I'd write more while I was here. I was wrong, but gladly so. I just checked my email for the first time in four days and it turns out I sold a painting since I've been in California. Such good news. You know what's even greater news? The power of prayer. Even if you don't believe in all this "God mumbo jumbo," I highly recommend prayer. It's a great way to relax, release, and rejuvinate. Not to mention, God's very interested in what you've got to say.

Basically, Art is great. We went to Reno, where we:

ate all-you-can-eat Chinese food

shopped at Park Lane Mall

saw The Matrix: Revolutions

went bowling at the Hilton Hotel

visited the Wal Mart Superstore

and ate at my favorite, Carl's Junior, where our number was "94"

Do you feel lucky? Because I certainly do.

I go home Thursday, the 20th. I'm looking forward to giving Amy a hearty congratulations-hug because I just found out she's landed an amazing job right next to SafeCo field. Paying rent just got that much easier. Like I said--the power of prayer.

I'm flying to California this evening to visit Art for the next week or so. I'll write randomly, I'm sure. Cheers to you all. And good day.

Idea.

I have one every now and then. And of course, I like to share. The following is a somewhat original way at making money in a simplistic fashion. It involves one digital photo and an email address. I take that back, it involves three things. It also involves $5.00 from one lucky eBay bidder with a PayPal account. Sound fair? I like to think so.

Check it out here.

No one understands what a bike ride does to my overall day. It enhances all the good parts by about 50% and drowns out anything remotely bad. On a beautiful crisp fall day as today, I knew I had to ride my bike to work. My brain is set to overdrive whenever I make any trek on my bike. Today, soaring down 124th toward Willows Road, my thought process went as follows:

(As I pass two girls walking in the opposite direction) I wonder what'd I'd do if those two girls were suddenly hit by a crazed driver... I wonder if I'd throw myself in front of the car in order to save them... I've heard of stories where people were saved by angels... Angels are not supposed to be that much more important that human beings... Angels are holy beings... Wait... As God's children, we are holy beings... I need to use my hand signals...

My mind just goes and goes and goes... Whereas, if I were driving, I'd be tuned out and completely tuned in to whatever was playing in the CD player.

The Burke Gilman trail was a sight for sore eyes. As well as its frequent visitors. Today, I heard the best response to my ongoing calls of "On your left!" I passed a man, stating the infamous phrase, and he replied, "God's speed!" It was the best thing I'd heard all week.

As I raced along the path, I wondered about what people's immediate thoughts were of me as I passed them. The thoughts that people assume naturally about every single person they take the time to look at. Personally, if I were a guy, I would think a girl wearing a scarf and a brown teflon messenger bag is the sexiest thing ever. Or at least the sexiest thing on the trail. No doubt.

Here's a picture I took from when I was riding back home. I pass under this bridge every time I ride the trail. This was the first time I'd ever seen it at night. I'd never ridden the trail in pitch darkness but now that I have, I don't think I would want it any other way. It's exciting and so beautiful at night. It reminded me of that momentary silence that happens just before it snows. Hold your breath.

This has been a difficult last week or so. I've been experiencing some incidences that are defined by the phrase, "Oh, that sucks." Just the same, I find myself in surprisingly high spirits. I'm overwhelmed by a sense of blessing.

I've had a bad car week. In the last 10 days or so, I have locked my keys in my car twice, locked my keys in the store once, lost my keys, lost my gas cap... Just yesterday, I took a corner too sharp going into a parking lot and I scraped my right rear tire--not damaging it, but jarring my senses, nonetheless.

Furthermore...

Work has been pretty scary, to say the least. If you recall, a few weeks back, I had a situation while working at the store. A woman named Robby came in Sunday morning at 11:00 and did not leave (for good) until 4:30 in the afternoon. It was so fatiguing, by the end of the night, my stress levels had driven me into a week's worth of a head flu. Later, I discovered that the woman suffers from bipolar and is also manic depressive. Sue (my boss) decided to gently explain to Robby that it would be best if she no longers comes into the store. From what we could all tell, Robby took it very well and left without any fuss. Unfortunately, two days later, she showed up again and she was already on the edge. Sue quickly whisked her outside and stated, "Robby, I thought I made it clear that you are disruptive and it would be best if you don't come to the store anymore." This time, Robby was not so understanding and she started to verbally attack Sue. Robby also tends to invade personal space, so as she was yelling, Sue felt her getting closer and closer." So close, Carly, that I thought she was going to hit me, " Sue told me. I could hardly believe my ears. Sue felt threatened by Robby and didn't know what to do. Sue explained that I should act as though I don't know anything should Robby come near the store again. But I told Sue, "I won't give her that chance. If Robby comes anywhere near the store, I'm calling security immediately." And Sue understood completely.

So for the last two weeks or so, I've had this nervous tinge in the back of my mind, wondering what Robby is actually capable of. Articles in papers with headlines like INNOCENT CLERK SHOT DEAD, KILLER TURNS GUN ON HERSELF are very familiar and typical, but you never actually think you could ever be their main subject. That you are in fact the "innocent clerk." Thus far, I haven't seen any signs of Robby. But I'm not letting my guard down any time soon. I've got the security guard phone number memorized.

Hurray for chaos!

But despite all that, blessings are abound! I have a brand new blog design! And while many of you will proudly say it's a sad reason to be happy, I could care less! Because it freaking rocks my world! I've also had a chance to make a new friend and really be someone I know God wants me to be. Caring, loving, compassionate, gentle, and accepting. Nothing compares to when you know you're making God proud. Absolutely nothing. And lastly, I just had an artichoke for dinner and it will probably be the only one I have all year. Artichokes are expensive and they're a seasonal produce. Tonight, I ate one and I savored every bite.

I just can't seem to wipe this smile off my face.

Here's the new design! Thank you, Richard! You are awesome.

Comments and suggestions definitely welcome. However, I'm quite happy with the results. So no matter what you say, I don't think I'll change much or anything at all.

I hope you guys like it. My blog is two years old now and definitely due for a new look. So here you have it. Something completely different and unlike any blog out there. Thanks to Richard, of course.

The new jeffersonair design is in the makes and it is so different from what everyone is used to. I have no idea how any of you will respond. I'm looking forward to it, actually. It'll be interesting to read your responses.

"I hate it! I'll never come back again!"

"It's alright."

"Whoa."

"..."

And so forth.

Locked out...

Day-After Halloween Rendition:

Ah, Halloween. What is it about this holiday that completely loses my interest? Perhaps it's the costumes. Every year, they are the same. Ghosts, witches, monsters, vampires, devils, bunnies... The same. Of course, then there are the characters seen in the previous year. I cannot tell you how many children I've seen walking around dressed in "Stitch" and "Nemo" costumes. And then of course, there's the unruly amounts of candy given out to the already overweight four-year-olds. Kids will have candy to live off of for the remaining year. By the time Halloween 2004 comes around, the childrens' sweets supply will be just dwindling down enough to where it's a good time to replenish. Of course, the most annoying thing are all the 12+ year old young adults who feel it's still "totally legit" to go trick-or-treating like the rest of the "kiddies."

"Trick or treat!"

"...Uhm."

"What?"

"You're taller than I am!"

"...So?"

"Dude. I saw you pull up in your car. Go buy some candy!"

"Nu-uh. I'm only 12. People always mistake me for a 16 year old."

"Right. Right. Which is why you forgot to shave this morning."

"It's just candy!"

"And you graduated high school the same year as me! What's your point??"

Then again. Maybe Halloween is good for something. It's always good for a laugh. There are people I know who have never participated in Halloween due to spiritual stuff or whatever else. "Halloween is Satan's holiday" and whatnot. Of course, that's not always the reason, but it's definitely the most popular. I definitely enjoy Halloween more than I enjoy Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm just not a holidays type of person. Halloween has too much candy. Thanksgiving has too much food. Easter has too many eggs.

I guess I'm just too hard to please.