Rejoice! Rejoice! For God has blessed me once again!

There is money in my wallet. A hefty sum that will help me in more ways than one. I am happy. I am joyous. I am comforted.

This could work. This illustration business. I could pay for my college tuition. I can pay for a new guitar; a nice guitar. I can buy my friends birthday presents. I can go see a movie. The only thing I cannot do is take a trip. I wish my parents were cooler about the money I make. But I understand where they come from.

My family rocks hardcore.

I'm so happy for staying home. Everything has been great. Family. Friends. It's a wonderful time to be home right now. God is good.

I'm questioning whether or not I want to go to the CRU winter retreat tomorrow. It seems like I have so much to do... I wonder if God is calling me to stay home for some reason. I really do believe it could be that He doesn't want me to go at this time. I am going to pray about it all night tonight and before I leave tomorrow. Sometimes what appears to be like a great time isn't the right thing to do... Obviously... That really didn't need to be said.

I'm so tired. Yes, I know I could sleep in the van on the way there, but that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is my ability to get everything done before entering that van... Well, I shall not worry, instead, I will just pray. Praying is very good.

Ahh... "More Than Words" by Extreme is playing now... Good time to stop writing and think about... well... just think, I suppose.

A wonderful Christmas was had by all yesterday. I was very relaxed and lounged around on the couch in my pj's for the majority of the day.

Mom and dad gave me the digital camera that once belonged to my sister. She only used it once, so it's practically knew. It can hold up to about 360 pictures on one memory card, so I've been snapping random things here and there and it's be cool. Ryan tried to hit me a couple times after I tried taking some shots of him at the mall. He'll be happy to hear that none of them turned out--it was too dark. He liked the sparkly gel pens I got him for Christmas though. He used the terms "yay!" and "sweet!" so I figure they were a good gift.

Now I am waiting for the kids' parents to come home so Leah and I can leave for our downtown, late-night walk. Likely we will do lots of random things and she will listen to me rant about unimportant subjects. Good night all!

Current Ponderous Thought:

I keep looking for reasons behind things. Quiet subconsious pieces lying beneath the decisions I make. Which am I really? Genuine or selfish? Considerate or self-centered? Am I trying to be nice for the sake of the person or am I pretending to be nice because that's what I am "supposed" to be? I guess I'll never quite know 100 percent. It's so hard sometimes, attempting to love everyone more than one's self...

Current Mood:

There's something missing. I can't quite place it or it hasn't come back or it has never been. I am longing. The aching pain for something someone is definitely a feeling for which I am glad I must endure. For me, it all becomes that much sweeter. God's most common test--patience.

Current Wish:

To place my hands on my guitar and produce the most awe-inspiring songs, with creative picking orders and realistic, non-sappy lyrics that make audiences desire nothing but more.

Current People:

Leah. Stephanie. Where are they? I saw Leah all this morning, but at the same time I felt like she was gone. Stephanie was supposed to be there, but I think she'd forgotten. I need to wrap their presents. Indeed, I miss my best friends.

Current Angst:

How does Christmas seem to come and go so quickly as I get older? I heard it all the time growing up and never understood until the last two or three years. I'm beginning to sound exactly as the "adults" did when I was seven and eight. "When you're my age you'll understand what I mean..." "No matter how much he prepares, Santa is never quite ready when Christmas finally does arrive..." "It comes so fast now... Time really flies..."

Current Sound:

Not far beyond those tall evergreens, just past the north side, a hear their cries. Coyotes have gathered and are screaming in sadness. That or they've just caught a squirrel and are announcing their congrats to the one who brought it back. Still, they are howling and makes me want to dress warmly and to go search for them--to hear them from 20 feet instead of 300 yards.

Current Passtime:

Writing makes me happy. Writing about people I care about makes me happier. Writing to people I care about makes me happiest. I have some letters to mail... If only I had an address.

Current Action:

My bare feet are hovering over the heating vent, feeling the reminiscence of warmness existing at one point in time earlier today. Although no heat rises and my toes continue to freeze, my feet remain. It's comforting to know my feet continue to hope for better conditions even when my brain is saying no warmth will ever come; hot air will not rise; and socks are my best, if not my only chance.

Current Words:

Good night.

Potluck... Food and friends. Is there anything better?

I woke up this morning ten minutes after the second service started at my church. I missed the morning worship but made it for the entire sermon, for which I am glad because it was a good one. Terry is a great speaker. I miss Greg, there's no denying that, but Terry definitely gives an enjoyable talk.

I am known to arrive late to church every Sunday. I really don't mean to, but at the same time, I know if I tried slightly harder, I would get there on time. However, until that day comes, I will continue as I have. I think the congregation may think I'm quite "queer" due to the fact that I enjoy sitting on the theater floor during the sermon. Reminder: we gather inside a movie theater, not a church. There are no pews. Only chairs and sticky movie floors. I happen to prefer the floor. I also enjoy sitting by myself. I did this morning, and it was great. I can focus on the speaker and on what's being said. When we pray, I'm not distracted by whoever sits next to me. No no, I am in tune with God. Well, occasionally, I will glance around for no apparent reason, but doesn't everyone? Today's talk was on remembering the real meaning behind Christmas and also remembering that God is available to us if we only ask for Him.

I'm not sure where I am going with this... I suppose I am bored and needed to type something out. So there you go...

Ryan discovered something new about me today. I thought most people knew this about me already, but when it comes to an amazing movie, an amazing story, and amazing entertainment--I become like moosh. I'm hypnotized. The setting. The characters. The special effects. They all wrap themselves around my brain and literally chain me within their walls of imagination, only to release me some days later, well after I've vacated the movie theater. It's a great and wondrous thing. Do you wonder why I wish to be a part of it? You shouldn't.

By the way, Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers was great.

I'm on the waiting list for English 102. If I'm permitted, I will have registered for a total of 25 credits.

Am I crazy? No. I'm just impatient.

Angst! Frustration! And then more angst!

I can't seem to say or do things right anymore. My parents are very upset with me. Apparently, I have lost their trust somehow... I think my mom has forgotten what it was like to be 18-20 with hopes and dreams about doing things and having fun. I honestly believe she's forgotten that part of her adolescence. My dad has not forgotten. However, it seems he has never made a mistake and basically raised himself.

Listen to me--I sound like an idiot. I'm such a brat! I'm going to stop typing now because I sound like Hilary from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-air."

"Daddy, I can have $300?"

"Why, sweetheart?"

"Well, there is this darling hat at Bloomingdale's that I simply must have."

"Well, honey, don't you have one just like it?"

"No! The one I have has a dashed seem. This one is crossed--"

"Nevermind, nevermind. Here you go. $300."

"Thank you, Daddy. Kiss-kiss."

Yeah... I feel just like her right now...

I fell down a collection of stairs last night. It was brutal. What seemed at least 10 or 12 steps was probably only 5 or 7, but nonetheless, I did manage to mark myself harshly on my right ankle, the right anterior of my right thigh, and there's a sore strawberry tinted dash across the right part of my back. Although, I am very grateful for keeping my head held up the entire way down... How unfortunate it would have been to hit anywhere on the right side of my head. Not pleasant.

After being gently lifted by my dear, close friend back to standing position, all I could think was one thought--

Out of all the times I have nearly fallen but hadn't, when I finally do take that amazing plunge, why must it be when I am wearing a skirt? Honestly. Why?

Perhaps this very miniscule blow happened to prepare for me for what might possibly come on Saturday.

Beginner snowboarding.

Two nights ago, Ryan took me driving. We were going to attempt to find our friend Josh's house (we failed miserably...) so to hang out and talk about things. When I entered the passenger side I saw a tiny gift, neatly wrapped, resting atop Ryan's CD case.

Oblivious to the fantastic music coming from the CD player, I said, "Oh look! A Christmas gift!"

I carried a pad of paper and some pens with me, so as I tried to find a place to put those things, I also tried removing the CD case and the small present somewhere else as not to be crushed by me when I sat there. Somehow, I situated myself in the car, but had several things resting in my lap. I held the gift in my left hand and the thick CD case in my right and looked about myself dumbly. I handed the CD case to Ryan, shoved the gift in his face, and asked, "What should I do with this?"

"Try opening it."

My first Christmas gift! I was so excited.

"Seriously? Oh my goodness! Thanks, Ryan! This is awesome!"

I ripped at the paper which quickly revealed a face I knew all too well.

Nick Drake.

I gasped upon seeing his expression staring back at me with absolute longing. He was such a beautiful man. I opened the CD, ready to thrust the disc into Ryan's player, but when I did, the plastic held nothing. Only the jacket remained.

"...there's no disc." For about three seconds, I was so sad... It didn't even occur to me that someone would have taken it out. It just wasn't there.

Ryan glanced at me and smiled. He reached his hand down and turned the volume up. The voice that rang out was sooner recognized than when I saw Nick Drake's picture.

Thank you, Ryan, for the best Christmas gift I think anyone could give me. It is perfect.

I remember in July when we were all waiting to have lunch (or it might have been right after lunch...) and I was sitting on the pop cooler, goofing around with my guitar to pass the time. I was in Creation Fest mode. Be quiet and listen. Play and look like you're good at it. Be witty and fun. Smile and laugh.

So while I sat there, strumming and listening to everyone else's conversations, I see these two guys approach. Nathan is a tall, dark-haired guy with a beautiful face and extremely soothing voice. His hair stands straight up naturally and when he looks at you, it's like looking into the eyes of a two-year-old during his first visit to the circus. Alex is a shaggy-haired, dirty blonde with the most attractive smile I've ever seen. He is extremely good-looking (though he won't admit to it), his brown eyes are hypnotizing, and his laugh is infectious. They are two of the most amazing people I have ever met and it makes me giddy when I realize I can say the words, "They are my friends."

I miss them both so much. They live in Medford, Oregon and that's a fair distance away. I hope it's not a full year before I see them both again. Once again, it is confirmed that my inspiration lies in the existance of my friends...

A few nights ago, I was lying awake in bed and for the first time since I cannot remember, I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing by going to this school, pursuing this degree, living at home with my parents, allowing them to finance my education, and so on and so forth.

I'm confused, but I'll wait on God's poking and prodding. He is my source for every valid answer. I'll just have to keep my eyes and ears open for His hand twisting those doorknobs. For now, I'll just keep climbing the staircase...

It's after 4:30 in the morning now and I am here with Ryan sitting next to me, both typing away at our blogs and emails. Funny to think that he was over 3000 miles away only two days ago. Now he is here, in the flesh, and I'm quite impressed by his maturity. He's grown immensely since leaving for Bible college. God is going to use him for amazing things. I know it.

I love the stories he tells about New Brunswick, "the barren wasteland," quickly adding how "frozen" it is as well. All the people he talks about sound so cool, I've been considering buying an airplane ticket to fly to this so-called "wasteland" and meet the people who inhabit the place. Springbreak. I suppose it won't be so frozen then. I'm nearly positive I want to. However, I will wait patiently for a clear "GO" signal. Likely because I really don't like airplanes. Flying is fun. Take offs are great. Landings are even better. It's the airplane I don't trust... They're so sly.

Great day. Great evening. Fun times had by all.

Welcome home, Ryan.

Christmas shopping tomorrow. I wish I had more money.

I need to put this macaroni salad away... It will ruin everything I've been working at for the last 11 months... Down two sizes! Must keep going!

My life in short, blunt sentences... Lots of [...]'s used as well... Both signs of a great night and immense fatigue... Indeed. I'm going to bed.

I've been anticipating Ryan's arrival all day... I'm wondering what his expression will be when he sees us waiting at the baggage claim.

Mudfootball on Christmas Eve Eve will definitely be a wonderous day. What I look forward to most is the feeling I get when I can't stop smiling and the cold pretty much freezes it to my face... until it hurts...

I'm watching Serendipity right now and throwing the idea of destiny and fate back and forth in my brain. What an incredible thing to consider... Our choices, the ones we make, are also the choices made that lead us to be where we are supposed to be and who we are supposed to be with. Very beautiful... very romantic.

I've been called upon by Susan, the woman I babysit for, to illustrate a story she wrote for her two children, Elise and Jared. It's about "Grandpa" who is involved in a train accident when he is only eight years old. He loses something very valuable, a coin, which was past down through the generations of his family. He tells this story to his grandson "Billy" and proceeds to visit a museum with a train exhibit. He says he believes the train he was on when he lost the coin would be displayed at this museum. The two go to see the train, find it, and after a series of small events, finds the coin and hands it to his 8-year-old grandson. Grandpa proceeds to tell Billy to gaurd it and keep it safe.

It's a beautiful story. Susan told me she's going to pay me a hefty sum for illustrating the images which will be be bound to the words. Well, a hefty sum from my perspective. I think I know exactly what I'm going to spend it on, too.

Once again, my mother has inquired about what I want for Christmas. Every years, she wants me to write a list and every year, I feel terrible. Making a list of the things I want isn't exactly something I enjoy doing because of the selfishness I feel as I make it. Besides, I can't really think of anything I've been wanting or need... Although, there may be one thing I would definitely use.

Phone cards.

So many friends are coming home this weekend. I find it interesting that I can just sit here and allow everyone to flock to me. It's Saturday, and while most of my friends are currently packing or loading onto some airplane (or train, or car) preparing to come home, I sit here in my pj's thinking about how I want to take a shower and then write some more.

However, not everyone is coming home and that makes me very sad. I want to spend every day with every last one of my friends, but I know that would be a selfish thing to do because they all have their families and they all have their other friends.

Mudfootball will definitely be my day for friendship. Everyone must be there. If someone was missing, I don't know what I would do. I'd whine probably.

Well, it's shower time. I need to clean up in case anyone stops by suddenly, expecting to see a young, spirited, fresh-looking blonde with the world's possibilities resting in the palm of her hand.

Mom just bought a Christmas tree. Today is the 13th of December... Two weeks left till Christmas. Suddenly, time seems to pass too slowly. I musn't rush myself. I need to lean back and see everything around me. It's an incredibly hard thing to do when there are things floating around in my brain, stealing my focus and dancing with my imagination.

Will write more later. Must make a call.

I'm in a picture posting mood.

Hurray! Steph and I in a picture together!!! Absolutely amazing... I don't think her smile could be any more amazing.

I feel inspired. For the last... five days or so... I feel touched. By someone so great, it's amazing to think God actually thought them up and put those wonderful thoughts into solid form.

However, I need to remember everyone in my life, all thought up by God, all loved by God, all created by God, all able to offer me amazing pieces of themselves which I so willingly take for granted. I need to acknowledge them in their strikingly beautiful existance.

I'm so happy to be living. To know the people I know. To see the people I see. To learn from them. To talk to them. Just learning from them daily. They make my life so incredible... It's difficult piecing the right words together, trying to describe...

Most recently, I ask God what He is thinking up next. I wonder where He is going to take me. Who is this I'll meet? Who is that person I will know? Yes, that person will teach me. That person will listen to me. And I will once more be shocked and humbled that God is the only One who can think to make such a person with this amazing heart, inspiring words, and unmoveable faith.

God continues to remind me of how much I have yet to learn...

I know... I can hardly believe it myself.

I'm ridiculously tired today. I didn't go to sleep last night. And during the day, when I caught a nap for an hour and a half, my sleep was plagued by someone I've never met. Well, I shouldn't say plagued. Blessed, really. I wish I was anywhere but here right now. Anywhere with a friend. Although, I must say that God has blessed me profusely all day long. I got nearly all my homework done. I've been able to stay awake. I didn't have to go to work today, allowing me to meet with my class group and granting me the time to finish the short film we made. God is amazing. So often, I am reminded by how He is watching out for me. Guiding me down exactly where I need to go. And although I tend to mess things up, He always provides a way out or turns my mistake into something great. God is amazing. Haha... I said that already, didn't I?

For the first time since, I believe, the ninth grade, I have received an email survey. Shall I fill it out? Oh yes... Oh yes I will.

Have you ever...
- Been in love? For the most part. Yes.
- Used someone? Sadly, yes.
- Been used? I believe, yes.
- Done something you regret? Unfortunately.

Who was the last person...
- You touched? Nick.
- You talked to? Nick...
- You hugged? Nick, dang it!
- You instant messaged? Ryan. My hero.
- You kissed? Never. Wait, does my mom count?
- You yelled at? My sister, Cassie. Thanksgiving.
- You laughed with? Sheesh... Nick.

Have you/are you/do you...
- Considered a life of crime? Besides stealing hershey's kisses from friends? No.
- Considered being a hooker? Can I be the hooker's friend who opposes the profession?
- Are you psycho? I'd say 99% of the time.
- Anxiety? Not too much.
- Depressed? Naw... Every day's a good day.
- Suicidal? Never! Life rocks hardcore!
- Understanding? Mostly, but I can't give the advice I'd like to give sometimes simply because I don't know what the person/friend is really going through.
- Open-minded? Yeah, I think so. Yup.
- Arrogant? Is that when you think people are inferior compared to yourself?
- Insecure? In faith: No. In myself: yeah, a lot.
- Interesting? My ability to say stupid things quite often is something I find very interesting.
- Hungry? I just ate.
- Friendly? Yes.
- Moody? When I first wake up in the morning, I can't say anything besides "Meh." But by the time I am on the road, taking Kyle to school, we start the day with a great conversation involving lots of "your mom's" and other strange noises you won't hear outside Kylecarlydome.
- Childish? Yes. Very much so. I still sit on the floor crosslegged when I watch cartoons.
- Independent? As much as a girl can be still living at home with her parents.
- Hard working? I'm trying...
- Organized? Again, I try.
- Healthy? Yeah. Although, hershey's kisses defeat my willpower.
- Emotionally Stable? Yes, but I'm confused a lot.
- Shy? Not usually. Around a guy I like, sometimes.
- Attractive? No comment.
- Bored Easily? Yes. However, my friends have very exciting lives and quite often invite me to join them. Thanks be to God for my wonderful, wonderful friends!
- Responsible? Quite. Although, I'm usually home at least a half hour past curfew.
- Current Clothes: White Gap tank-top, striped collared T-shirt from the Canadian Value Village I visited two weeks ago, black and blue glow-in-the-dark bracelets, beige rocker pants with a mustard stain on the left knee. I don't wear a lot of jewelry--no necklaces or earrings.
- Current Mood: Stressed about tomorrow. Lots of homework to do. Editing the video at 8:00 AM. Finishing this PowerPoint presentation before tonight's end. Confused about my friendship with Nick. Missing Ryan, wishing he would be here tomorrow instead of Sunday. Leah, too. I miss her daily involvement in my life. Stephanie--come home soon! I want Erin to be home for Christmas, but God has her learning in Australia. Alex and Nathan--Medford friends who will always have a special place in my heart. I'm in love with the family of friends I have. I wish my brother was still awake so we can wrestle, joke, and laugh with each other while constantly reminding ourselves to be quiet because we don't want to wake mom and dad. I wish I was talking to Jetchick on the phone, telling him about my love for Christmas trees. Lastly, I'm longing for Wednesday night, when all this will be over and I can welcome home my lovely friends...
- Current Taste: No one has ever told me what I taste like, and I have yet tried my self.
- Current Hair: Pulled back. Wavy. Unkempt. Meh.
- Current Annoyance: Michael W. Smith's version of the Christmas Carol, "Emmanuel." Meh, let's just say Michael W. Smith.
- Current Smell: Textbook.
- Current thing you ought to be doing? PowerPoint presentation for Drama 101.
- Current Desktop Picture: The candid shot I took of Erin opening her door to greet me.
- Current Book: Daily Devotional/Bible. Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis.
- Current DVD In Player: "Ice Age."
- Current Refreshment: Jones's Fufu Berry Soda.
- Current Worry: Getting all my homework done.
- Current Crush: He already knows...

What/Who is your favourite...
- Celebrity: Jon Foreman, lead singer for Switchfoot. He was so nice that time we saw the band play and he prayed with my friends and me for Erin, who was in Australia that first time.
- Food: Lean Cuisine.
- Drink: I hate it because I drink too much of it. I'm trying to quit. Diet Coke.
- Colour: Yay! You spelt it with a "u"--Allow me to humoUr you with my favoUrite color(s): I like all coloUrs, but blue sticks out for me.
- Shoes: My black, low-top chucks. They make me feel cool.
- Candy: Um... Hershey's Kisses.
- Movie: I have so many, it's ridiculous. Here's a few: The Truman Show: so great; American History X: convicting, moving; Pleasantville: encouraging, metaphorical; High Fidelity: blunt, fun, this-is-life, hilarious; 10 Things I Hate About You: stupid teenage romance; Hook: memories of me running around our living room, leaping from the sofa and screaming "I can fly!" but failing miserably. However, the dream is still brewing...
- Vegetable: Steamed broccoli... Mmm.
- Fruit: Pears. Fresh ones. Not the canned kind.

On the opposite sex...
- Long or short hair? I prefer shaggy. Casual. Wake up and go. Too short is bad. Very bad.
- Dark or light hair? Darker. Natural.
- Tall or short? Taller than me, I suppose. Anything above 5'6".
- Sensitive or Funny? Funny, but not oblivious to my feelings.
- Good or bad? Good, but with an adventurous side. Who wouldn't want to jump into that park fountain and collect pennies? Who?
- Dark or light eyes? Dark.
- Hat or no hat? Vizors are cool, but only on some guys... Ryan.
- Pierced or no? Either way. I could care less. I like them, but a guy doesn't need them.
- Freckles or none? Freckles are pretty cute. Although, I have them, and I have yet to make my mind up about them.
- Stubble or neatly shaven? Something about stubble... I always liked rubbing my face against my dad's stubble as a kid. When he had a day's growth, I would say, "Daddy, you need to trim your stems." I've liked them ever since.
- Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type? Sporty, but likes to go for walks or willing to take a hike now and then. Camping is fun.

On preferences...
- Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? Hot apple cider.
- McDonalds or Burger King? My kitchen.
- Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? Definitely the perfect friend.
- Sweet or sour? Hmm... sour.
- Sappy/action/comedy/horror? Romantic comedies are my best friends, but I always end up wishing I had a boyfriend afterwards.
- With or without ice-cubes? With. They're the crunchy goodness at the end.
- Shine or rain? Showers with sun breaks.
- Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? I love the fall... But winter.
- Vanilla or Chocolate? Vanilla... with chocolate syrup.
- Fly or breathe under water: Have you tried either?
- Bunk-bed or waterbed? Bunk-bed! Midnight pillow wars! Waterbeds never seem to stop moving... Up and down... Side to side... Seasickness is the pits...
- Chewing gum or hard candy? Hard candy. Nowandlaters.
- Motor boat or sailboat? Motorboat. Less work.
- Chicken or fish? Fishy fishy fishy...

What's your favourite:
- Number? Seven. It looks cool.
- Holiday? Christmas... What can I say? But runner up? Fourth of July, baby! The fireworks! Oh, the pyrotechnics!!!
- Place? Anywhere I have a friend.
- Flower? Tulip!!! For Sarah.
- Scent? Pipe smoke...

- If you could be anywhere, where would you be? Canada...
- Can you do anything freakish with your body? Besides belly dancing?
- Do you have a favourite animal? Dogs. But I am partial to horses. Tuffy. He and I are a team.
- Person to spend every day with: Jesus.

This morning, as usual, Kyle came into my room to wake me up and prepare to drive him to school.

"Carly?"

I rolled over onto my back.

"Carly?"

I peeled my eyes open to see who was asking for my attention.

"Carly, it's time to get up."

I moan softly. "What?"

"You have to take me to school."

I cling to my covers. "No I don't."

"What?"

"No I don't. I don't have to."

"Yes you do. I need you to drive me to school. Get up."

"No I don't. I don't have to blog."

"What?"

"I don't have to blog about it."

"Carly. I don't think you're--"

"What?"

"You need to get up."

"No I don't. I don't have to blog about it."

His voice is raising now, "Carly!"

"Huh?"

"I have to go to school."

"I know."

"You know?"

"I'm getting up right now. Relax."

... ... ... ... ... ... too much blog?

Downtown Seattle, with it's leafless trees stand lit up with white twinkly lights.
Woman and children in matching scarves and mittens, walking down the main street hand-in-hand.
Steam rising from Seattle's underground city through the circular vents placed in the pavement.

One billboard catches my eye, and I suddenly feel like the "true" spirit of Christmas is revealed:

"Showgirls! Showgirls! Showgirls! We'll be naughty, if you'll be nice!"

4:38 AM

My eyes are burning for sleep, but I just can bring myself to bed. My mind is somewhere else tonight.

I have this movie-like scene replaying itself over and over in the theater that is my mind. Disclaimer: the following never happened.

It's a park. There's a small open baseball field on one side and a field of freshly cut grass with a few trees on the other. A gravel path cuts between the two, where bikers and joggers pass through. I see myself, bundled in a dark blue sweatshirt with a lengthy scarf wrapped loosely around my neck. I'm smiling and laughing and running about back and forth across the grass in a girlish frenzy to get away. The only other person, a guy whose face I don't recognize is dressed in jeans, a black jacket, and gloves, chases after me playfully. I turn suddenly, challenging his pursuit. He stops for a moment, presses his feet firmly into the earth, and stretches out both arms, accepting my challenge. The look in my eyes reminds me of when I was five years old, captivated by the newest toy by Playschool that I never thought could exist. Laughing outright, I run at him in a daring attempt to blow passed him and reach the other side. However, I'm overjoyed when his arms are closed quickly around me. He holds me tightly as I pretend to struggle to leave his grasp. I scream with pleasure and he says something I've already forgotten. I trip over my own feet and fall to the ground. He follows me, continuing the wrestling match. Somewhere in the midst of the fall, I've dropped the frisbee for which he was after me in the first place. Still on my back, I look above me and see it lying just out of reach. I extend my right hand and try to touch the frisbee's curled edge. He sees me and quickly pins my right arm to the ground with his left hand. I shout, "No! That's not fair!" and push my left hand against his chest, pretending I want him to get off of me. He grabs my left wrist with his other hand and presses it also to the ground. I continue to protest while he smiles at the fact that I'm pinned and could not move to save my life. I start to laugh as I feel my body begin to submit. Suddenly, I think about how red my nose and cheeks must be and hope I still look pretty cute, even with a little dirt smudged across my jawline. After my giggles dissipate, I suddenly realize he's still smiling at me and he still has me completely immobilized on the dewey grass. He leans in and kisses me. After a moment's shock, I close my eyes. All I can think about is how warm his lips are. He releases my arms and puts his hands against my face. I wrap my arms around his neck and in just a few seconds, the cold has left my body...

If I'm this much of a hopeless romantic in the middle of December, what will I be thinking about next February, the love month?

You'd think from what is written above that I've actually kissed a guy before... I only know from what I've seen in movies and from friends. Sad, eh?

For Jetchick:

Nick Drake's "Parasite," Pink Moon
The Juliana Theory's "Moments," Music From Another Room EP
Extreme's "More Than Words"
Coldplay's "Everything's Not Lost," Parachutes
Switchfoot's "Life and Love and Why," Legend of Chin

I know I'm pathetic when the thought of super gluing mistletoe to my forehead in a vain attempt to be kissed becomes fantastically appealing...

I guess it's just the season.

No one has any idea how ashamed I am of what I am about to do. However, people are wondering about last night's post.

The angst, Carly! Why the angst?

Now, if this song was performed by anyone besides Avril La-freakin-vigne, I wouldn't feel so badly about it. However, the lyrics to this song could not do a better job explaining where my head is. These words are the exact same words that have been going through my head for all of this last week. I'm sorry and I am ashamed that of all songs, it has to be this one. However, I desperately need you to understand that the following lyrics are my own thoughts. You've officially entered my mind.

"I'm With You"
Performed by Avril Lavigne

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythings a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

I feel extremely encouraged tonight. I talked to Stephanie on the phone and she really helped me vent some things that I haven't been able to with anyone else. Steph is one of the few who can get things out of me without even a single effort made on her behalf. When I talk to her, novels seem to pour out of my mouth. I just can't stop talking. What's equally great is her amazing power to speak at just the right time when she knows she has a piece of advice to share that relates directly to what I rant about.

Fifth grade:

Stephanie and I had to make-up a spelling test for Mr. D's class. We had to stay in from recess. The two of us sat on the opposite ends of a row of desks pressed tightly together. Mr. D sat at the front of the room on his swivel stool and busily wrote notes on his overhead.

About two minutes after beginning our quizzes, Steph and I both looked up from our papers and glanced in each other's direction. After making eye contact, we both chuckled softly and returned our gazes back to our work.

After completing two or three more "Fill in the blanks with the appropriate plural nouns," Steph and I turned our heads toward each other again. She laughed, shook her head and pressed her face back into her paper. I smiled and returned my pencil to the task at hand.

"Mr. D has really funny looking ________." I scribbled the word calves and then quickly looked back at Steph for a third time. Steph looked back at me at the exact same moment. Suddenly, we could take it no longer. Our laughter escaped us. We fought back waves of girlish squeels as we did our best to finish our quizzes. By that time, Mr. D had noticed our silly antics, but found them quite entertaining and allowed us to continue acting stupid.

We locked arms as we left for the last half of recess. We looked at each other again and our faces turned red. We laughed until our sides hurt all the way down to the swing-sets.

Why were we laughing so hard? No reason. None at all. That's just how it is with Stephanie and me. We laugh at nothing. We laugh at nothing therefore causing any thing and any time to become something to laugh about.

How unfortunate it was when we weren't friends from the middle of sixth grade through our sophomore year of high school. Every time we passed each other in the halls, we would smile and nod at each other. Sometimes, we would occasionally say "hi" and ask "how are you?" Of course, the only things said back were "hey's" and "I'm good's."

Thanks be to God for when He brought us back together our junior year. If we she and I weren't best friends, the world would be off its axis or something equally catastrophic would occur to the planet--it simply wouldn't be right.

"Of course!"

I wanted to go to the Kirkland Waterfront tonight. By myself. I wanted to sit on the edge of the dock, stare longingly across the water, and listen to it lap quietly.

Instead, after situating myself in the driver's seat, I dropped my forehead against the steering wheel and studied the motionless needle in the spedometer. The needle was below the "0" and at that moment, I wanted nothing. I wanted everything and nothing--both at the same time. I wanted to cry, but decided not to. I wanted to scream, but chose to sigh. I stared after the cars that were familiar to me as they each passed through the stop signs with ease, and almost, with pleasure. They seemed to laugh mockingly at me as they each turned their corners.

"Waahaahaahahaha!!! Carly! You and your pathetic transportation device are going no where! Hahahahaha!..." their voices gradually trailed off into the distance of my imagination.

I thought to myself, Cars don't talk, Carly, let alone laugh... What's wrong with you?

I turned the key to my ignition. The car awoke from its nap and waited nervously for me to drop it into "D". I glanced at the passenger seat where I had tossed my cell phone.

Maybe someone will call... I wish someone would call...

I only wish I knew some things. I'm confused. I'm frustrated. Mostly, I'm scared.

Why do I allow people to take hold of my feelings like this? I'm only going to end up hurting someone.

As we approach the automatic sliding doors, a guy approaches us carrying a back pack and dressing as a college student. He could not have been more than 22 years old.

"Excuse me, can I talk to you a minute? Don't worry--I'm not crazy."

Dang it...

"Um, sure. Ok."

"First of all--Do either of you wear perfume or cologne?"

... Do I still have the chance to avoid this conversation? Can I? Should I try?

"Actually, no."

"Oh... Well, let me tell you about this amazing product!" From his sack, he pulls out a very nice looking bottle of smelly stuff, looking very similar to that of a bottle of smelly stuff one might fight in the smelly section of Nordstrom's. "This is 'Sex in a Bottle!'"

What-what in a what-what?

"'Sex in a Bottle.' The only proven formula to actually work with your body's naturally produced chemicals to produce more pheremones when you're around the opposite sex. This causes them to be more attracted to you!" He says this with way too much excitement in his voice.

Meanwhile, Kyle looks puzzled and whispers in my ear, "I didn't know you could bottle sex..."

"Look, I'm allergic to most perfumes like that. I don't think so."

"But 'Sex in a Bottle' is hypo-allergenic! It won't produce any kind of hives at all! You're perfectly safe!"

I look at him blankly. There is no way out.

"Go ahead. Just give it a shot. Just try it. Try it. I promise. It'll work. Try it. Try it."

Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it. He says "try it" in as many different forms as he knows how.

"Fine." I take the Sex in a Bottle and I spray the sex onto my wrist. I rub my wrists together, handed the Sex back to the freaky, freaky little man and quickly state, "We'll think about it."

Kyle and I rush into the store. There is a moment of silence between us. Suddenly, softly, Kyle's break out in song, "I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up. Gonna work harder. I'm a survivor..."

A list that can only be added to:

This is one of those ridiculous lists because it is hardly likely that God will give me a husband who meets all these qualites. I just hope he gets one or two of them. That would be great.

I want a husband who:

- makes me laugh every single day.
- enjoys cooking for me, especially when I'm sick.
- starts a pillow fight in order to get me out of bed.
- leaves me romantic notes around the house, especially in the least expected--like in the dishwasher.
- holds my hand, even while trying to drive.
- kisses me every single day.
- chases me around the house each time I steal the clothes he's laid out for changing into after his shower.
- touches my face when I look up at him.
- falls asleep with one of the kids on his chest after watching a generous dose of "Veggie Tales."
- likes having his picture taken.
- travels whenever he sees the opportunity to see a place he's never been to before, and he takes me with him.
- plays the "horse" in the animal games he plays with the kids.
- will put the book he is currently reading down when he sees that I want him to kiss me.
- tries to eat healthy, but will indulge in a piece or two of fudge every Thanksgiving and Christmas.
- patient with me when I'm acting ridiculous.
- never leaves the house without telling me he loves me.
- has big, brown eyes.
- comes to me with the recent Bible verse he's read and tells me why God has encouraged him.
- sings during worship.
- carries the kids on his shoulders, even when his back hurts.
- lets me fall asleep with my head and arm draped across his chest.
- cuddles with me and the kids during a loud storm, at night.
- wrestles with me and lets me pin him because he knows if he does...
- dances when there is no music.
- loves God.

And this one is yours:

12/1/2002
The curb upon which I sit is hard. It's hard and it's cold and it's uncomfortable. The unevenness of the pavement reminds me of the ocean, particularly when the waves break at the shore--it swells and it curls, just like the waves.

Why do I write about such nonsense?

I suddenly feel compelled to steal that Jeep's license plate--140-FDF, British Columbia. I want it and he's already got two. Could he not spare the one? Would he miss it? I think not.

The train has sounded its horn.

The thought of jumping onto a moving train has always appealed to me. I always wanted to know where it would take me. To experience that rhythmic noise as the wheels pass over the tracks; to scream in sync with the sounding bull-horn, announcing our arrival; to feel the constant cold on my face, making it impossible to sleep.

So what stops me now from running and making that giant leap onto that train passing me now? What holds me back and keeps me grounded? You, sitting next to me on this cold, hard curb. I'm so glad for you.

Does anyone else have days where they feel like doing absolutely nothing? When the only thing that sounds better than crawling into bed with a nice hefty blanket is to climb into bed with two nice hefty blankets?

I have a paper to write. It's about volcanoes. Mostly, it's about the Kilauea volcano located on the Big Island of Hawaii. Yes, I will stop there. Anything else, and you might slip into unconsiousness. I, myself, have found that I can handle this extremely tedious task, however not without a crap load of effort. That's right, crap load.

Next quarter will be easier.
Next quarter will be more fun.
Next quarter, I will write poetry.
Next quarter, I will get to sleep.
Next quarter, there will be no Pointless Class.
Next quarter, I will act.
Next quarter, I get more work hours.
Next quarter, life will be better.

Next quarter does not begin until after January.

Until then, two weeks remain in my current quarter. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Ryan Weidmaier is going to some bible college in New Brunswick, Canada. I remember the first night we met. I arrived at CRU on the third level of the school and did not know what to expect. It crossed my mind that the group could be fanatical and crazy, or on the flip-size, dead and numb. What would I have done if they were either?

Of course, I ended up loving it and I can honestly say it's because of a simple three-minute moment I had at the end of that first night. I was prepared to leave. My writing tools were packed away in my sack, already thrown across my shoulder. I headed for the door, but was stopped. Three guys stood in front of me, smiling and bright-eyed. Ryan looked down at me from six feet and nine inches while John R. smiled politely and looked on curiously. Josh O. stood there a moment, cracked a few jokes, and was quickly off to see someone else. He could never hold still too long... not really.

"Dude! You're into emo???"

Ryan had seen my "cheer up emo kid" patch on my sack and became somewhat ecstatic.

"Uh--yes."

I've forgotten the rest we talked about, but I remember when Ryan hugged me. He hugged me, even though I didn't know him too well, but it was still ok. In fact, it kinda made my night. Because for the first time in my life, someone besides my own father, had hugged me and made me feel delicate and fragile, as a girl ought to feel. Most of the time, guys will slug me in the shoulder or playfully shove my head when I've said something stupid. No one had hugged me and made me feel like a girl.

He's coming home in two weeks.

To Whom Controls My Life and Well-Being in General:

I ask that You would not take me home tomorrow. I have enjoyed my stay here so much... Do I have to go tomorrow? It seemed like such a short while... Do I have to go back?

Oh yes... I nearly forgot to ask. I've been meaning to. When will I be allowed to leave my immediate family and join the rest of the world in its grand independence?

Sincerely,
Your truly,
Carly.