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I thought I would be leaving for home today. It never occurred to me that there were 31 days in the month of March. I thought today was April 1st. Therefore, I believed I was leaving on a train back to Seattle today around 3:45 pm. So did Brian. I'm completely packed and ready to go. What a disaster it would have been to arrive at the San Luis Obispo train station only to learn my train would not be leaving yet for another 24 hours. Maybe not a disaster. Perhaps just awkward.

Thank God for blog. I would have never even realized if I hadn't blogged this morning. Because after I hit my favorite "Post & Publish" button, I saw the date!

"[3/31/2003 12:57:09 PM | carly bishop]"

When I thought it would read:

"[4/01/2003 12:57:09 PM | carly bishop}"

So one last day before I head back home. And there to greet me? My dad. And after that? Switchfoot. Although, that only happens if my train gets there on time. Which... I don't think is likely. If I have to miss Jon and the simple act in which he sings into his guitar... Depression will sink in and I will remain in a semi-sultry state for a minimum of 36 hours, equal to that of one and one half days.

However, I will do my best to make the show! Come game-time, I will run for the goal with all the strength that remains in me after such a long trip back home. Just pray the flipping train doesn't have to stop because some "moron" was runniing about aimlessly in a tunnel. That was the reason why I was two hours late in arriving to the SLO Station. A "moron" in a tunnel--the conductor's words, not mine.

Speaking of "morons", time to watch a movie starring Eminem. Just a joke. I'm sure he's very nice.
I was coming back from Tia Juanas, the Mexican food restaurant Brian has so graciously introduced me to. With a drink in hand and a brown paper bag in the other, I strode back to where I've been calling it "home". The sun just overhead and the smell of steak and chicken rising from the bag--it was a lovely walk back.

I stepped off the curb and trotted across a narrow street which I could see lead to some cute, family homes. Not far in the distance, I could see someone walking toward me, back to where I had come from. As I got closer, I could see he was an older gentleman with a bushy grey beard that went past his collar. He was wearing a polyester sweatshirt and a pair of old levis. He had a backpack and a pair of cowboy boots. And on his right sleeve, a large, red, parrot. The kind you see in the zoo. The kind whose beaks you don't want near your fingers. As we walked toward each other, I decided to make eye contact and comment on his exotic pet.

"That's a beautiful bird," I smiled as I slowly passed.

"Thanks. So do you."

And right then, I looked down at my brown bag, containing delicious steak and chicken tacos, and I wanted to say, "Yes, they are beautiful, aren't they?"
I'm moving out. Despite the simplicity of that sentence, it's a much more complicated issue...

I wrote the above statement two hours ago. I have since had two conversations with people online that have both made me question what I want to do. Amazing how quickly God throws things along our path to notice, observe, and consider. Life can be interesting, if only you allow God to take charge. You think with God guiding you, you're going to lead a boring, trite, typical life? How much I pity you...

Subject change:

Affection. Do so with pure motivations. No one ever said people have to earn someone's affection through your actions and your money. If you think for one second that you need to buy people things in order to keep them liking you, let me correct you. It's crap. Those intensions are the wrong ones to have behind your actions. If you do something (buy something?) for someone you are romantically interested in, ask yourself this question each time you do: Would I do this same thing for someone who was just a friend? Or am I only doing this because I want this person to know I appreciate them? Because the truth is, if you are a genuinely good person, then there is no need to do anything to prove to anyone who you really are and/or how you really feel.

Make this your goal: to guard their hearts (it doesn't matter whose) and never manipulate or take advantage of the affections you may receive from another.
Brian says, and I quote:

"One of the hardest things humans have difficulty with is forgiveness. Don't underestimate its power. People need to forgive."
What I wouldn't do to be the next William Shakespeare... The next classic writer who could never be forgotten. Although, I'd like to be without all the baggage. William Shakespeare... That dude was pretty twisted. Example of his twistedness: Titus. Oh yes, and MacBeth.
I'd really like to compile a soundtrack describing the every facet of my life. All the different stages of my life; the feelings and emotions I so often find myself experiencing. In the last year or so, I've become really picky about what I listen to. There are several aspects to music I like to consider when making the ultimate decision to make them part of my collection. Musicianship. Unique in sound. Quality and tolerance of voice. I say "tolerance" because, while there are many awesome voices out there, many of them will begin to rub me the wrong way if I listen to them for too long or too often. The following, while they are great voices and fun to listen to, tend to get "old" after a while:

- Relient K
- Five Iron Frenzy
- Linkin Park
- Superchick
- Evanescence

While there are others that never bring me to that edge. A few examples are:

- Switchfoot
- Coldplay
- Nick Drake
- The Juliana Theory
- Dave Matthews Band
- Louis Armstrong

Alright. Shall I make a weak attempt at compiling a list of songs by various artists that best describe many of my emotions, feelings, desires, passions, and everything in between?

"Everybody's Free" - Quindon Tarver
"True Colors" - Cyndi Lauper
"Clocks" - Coldplay
"More Than Words" - Extreme
"Hey Jude" - Paul McCartney
"Pink Moon" - Nick Drake
"Bye Bye Blackbird" - Joe Cocker
"Bartender" - Dave Matthews Band
"This Is Your Life" - Switchfoot
"White Days" - The Juliana Theory
"Angel" - Gavin Friday
"A Kiss to Build A Dream On" - Louis Armstrong
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" - Ray Charles
"Life and Love and Why" - Switchfoot
"What A Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
"Parasite" - Nick Drake.
"Trouble" - Coldplay
"Twenty-Four" - Switchfoot
"Summertime" - Mae
"Black Dog" - Nick Drake

I think my soundtrack is gonna have to be a two-disc set...
"How wonderful life is now you're in the world..." -- Elton John, "I Hope You Don't Mind"
Nothing beats doing kind things for other people out of the genuine sincerity of one's heart. I'm not kidding, overexaggerating, or stretching the truth in any way. A kind action, word, or gesture can go so far a distance with people. At least, I believe it does. Feeling special, like you stand out from everyone else; like you are truly cared for; like you are loved... Moments like those are the type you don't forget, even after a lifetime. Never forgetting the feelings, always remembering the faces. Dare I say... priceless?

I can't really think of much else to say. However, I would like to continue this post. Therefore, I think it's time for a list.

Top 10 of My Visit to Atascadero, California:

10. Tommy Boy at Preston's house.
9. Moulin Rouge, beautiful voices and pretty pictures.
8. Tia Juana's, good, good, good, good food.
7. Frisbee at the park.
6. Train station antics.
5. Brian on the drums.
4. Rasberries, and I don't mean the type you eat.
3. Simon & Garfunkel in the car.
2. Brian. He makes me laugh harder than anyone in my life.
1. Jesus and His innumerable blessings.

Believe me, there are tons more to be spoken of... So much to write about. So much to reveal. Including a dream I had last night of Jason Killingsworth living in the house nextdoor to Leah's parents' place. Very odd, indeed... I have no idea where that came from. And don't get any wrong ideas. I think I may have dreamt it because I went a day without blogging. And you can understand what the does to my system. Totally throws my world off its axis. Completely.
I was born in Orange County and I lived in Long Beach, California until I was nine years old. I've lived in the Seattle area of Washington for the last ten years and I've come to really enjoy the rain, the trees, and the atmosphere. According to recent surveys, the Puget Sound area is one of the top "unchurched" areas in the country. About 7% of the population are regular church attenders who consider themselves dedicated and responsible to their faith. While I'm very happy to be part of that mere 7%, it saddens me at the same time.

I honestly don't know why I just went into that little tangent... I guess a writer has to start somewhere.

Brian, his friend Justin, and I went to a park in Atascadero (California, which is where I am at the moment) and ate burritos from Taco Bell and then played an excellent game of frisbee. I haven't played in a while, so I was really rusty. However, after about ten minutes into the game, my skills started to sharpen and I started to throw the plastic disc to Brian or Justin. I slipped once and almost fell on my face (as usual) but I don't think either Brian or Justin saw it.

Justin wrote a screenplay which I read completely through by noon. It was incredibly funny and there were numerous times where I had to leave the dinner table, where I was reading, and walk off the laugh. So many of the things that made me laugh hysterically were things I knew no one else would laugh at quite as hard, which is probably why I enjoyed reading it on my own so much. Laughing until I cry are moments I love and cherish because they don't happen to me nearly as much as I wish they did. Certain people cause me to laugh until it hurts and those people (*cough Brian cough Steph cough*) hold special places in my hearts. They got the touch. The gift. Other people who have made me reach that point never know what to do. They always seem to get confused and somewhat worried. Eventually, no one's really laughing at whatever happened anymore, it's more of a time to laugh at me in all my hysteria.

Should I tell you about the train ride I took to get here? It's not all that interesting, however I suppose I can mention some details. The first train I took traveled from Seattle to Portland. I switched trains in Portland and rode on a Starline from there straight to San Luis Obispo. It really was a beautiful trip and I enjoyed it very much. Although, I think a lot of it has to do with who I met while I was on the train. The woman I sat with, Valerie, was incredibly sweet and was excellent company. At the Eugene, Oregon stop, Trenton, an Oregon State University student, got on the train and sat across the isle from me. Needless to say, we started talking and made fast friends due to similar interests. A God-lover and a music-lover... How could we not get along? He was going home to see his family in Martinez, California, which was a stop about eight hours before I had to get off. However, we exchanged emails before he left. His ultimate goal in life is to become a professional tennis player and I'd really like to stay in contact with him so perhaps, one day, when I see him playing a tournament on ESPN, I can say to whoever's with me, "That's Trenton! I rode with him to California on a train! And we became friends! That's right, baby, yeah!" The trip itself was beautiful. The scenery was wonderful to watch. I got to write a lot and read a lot and I talked on the phone quite a bit, too.

However, the thing that was amazing was my arrival to the San Luis Obispo train station. A spectacle was there to greet me and I never thought anything like it would ever happen to me.

When I stepped off the train, I went immediately to pick up my one piece of checked baggage. Afterwards, I called Brian on my cell phone which at the time only had a "smidgen" of power left in the battery. However, I was able to receive my first instructions from Brian before my phone died completely.

"Go to the front of the train station and when you see the mime, go up to her and tell her she has pretty feet."

"A mime?" I could not believe what he was telling me. A mime? An actualy mime?!

"Yes, a mime."

"Who has pretty feet?"

"Yes, tell her she has pretty feet."

"...Ok."

"Ok. Go."

So I did. I walked around to the front of the station, loaded down with my luggage, and saw a girl, a mime, forming an imaginary box around her. To tell you the truth, I was pretty nervous... However, when she turned toward me, I recognized her as Jesi, Brian's best girl friend. Of course, I decided to play along and ignore who I knew she was. I walked straight up to her and I said, "Hi... I'm supposed to tell the mime she has pretty feet." She looked at me for a moment, paused, then nodded and she spoke to me--something I know mime's aren't supposed to do. I forget everything she said, but she took me to the bathroom where she said my "fairy godmother" was waiting to give me my next instructions. The mime (Jesi) took my luggage and I entered the bathroom, excited to meet my fairy godmother.

And there she was. In a shimmering dress and with hair that fell across a sparkling face in little spirals. She was holding a red rose in her hand. Her eyes were wide and I could hardly believe she could hold a straight face, because I could hardly do so myself.

"Greetings, my child. I am your fairy godmother."

"Wow, you're beautiful."

She touched the top of my head with the rose and tiny, glittering crystals fell out of the petals and into my hair. "You are blessed," she said. "And now I will introduce you to your new best friend." She crossed over the a bathroom stall and knocked. Immediately folling the knock, I heard the toilet flush and who should open the stall door but Erin, Brian's sister.

"Hi there! Wow! How are you?! It's been so long since I've seen you!" Erin was so enthusiastic!

I was really getting into it, "Yes, I know! It's been so long! It's so great to see you!"

We walked out of the bathroom and down the hallway a short distance where Erin stopped me in front of a very small, very cramped phone booth.

"You know what? I'm gonna go get a soda, but I'm expecting a call from my boyfriend. Would you mind waiting here, in case he calls?"

"Sure, I don't mind!"

"Oh, and would you mind holding this?" Erin handed me a metal briefcase. "I'll be back, ok? Just wait here." So I took the briefcase and I sat in the little phone booth and tried desperately not to lose composure. By that I mean, trying very hard not to break out in tears and laughter.

The phone rang. My heart jumped at the sound. I couldn't bring myself to pick it up right away. So I waited about two extra seconds before lifting the phone.

"...Hello?"

"Excellent work thus far, Agent Snuggles. Do you have the briefcase?" It was Brian using some sort of accent. I think it was Russian.

"Yes, I do."

"Ok. Open the briefcase and you will find the information of one of our top agents. Natasha..." and he explained the character I would meet next. Within the briefcase was the most incredible replica of an FBI form that I'd ever seen. I could hardly believe he made it.

He continued, "You must now return to the front of the station where you will meet Natasha. Wait for her there to receive your next instructions."

I did exactly that. I went out to the front of the station and waited there with the briefcase and the paper in my hand and after a moment, a young girl dressed in a very classy, black suit and dark sunglasses.

She didn't slow down as she came closer to me. She only passed me and quickly said, "Follow me." So I quickly trotted behind.

She took me to a bench where she opened up a laptop and activated a message which Brian narrated. The video was playing the theme song from "Mission Impossible" and Brian narrated it. The message said to find to the girl with the long, black hair inside the train station and her code phrase was "Take me out to the ball game." After I finished watching the message, I gave the metal briefcase back to "Natasha" and I headed back into the station. There she sat with what appeared to be a baby cradled in her arms.

I looked around for a moment, making sure she was the only one with long, black hair, and it was quickly confirmed that she was. I crouched by her side, "Excuse me. Would you... take me out to the ball game?"

She looked up at me, "Oh, we're not going there, darling." She spoke with a British accent. "Not today." She stood and turned to walk out of the station, away from the front doors. I turned to follow her. I later learned this was done because I wasn't supposed to face the front of the station... not yet.

"So how was your trip?" she asked me.

"It was long. About 27 hours or so."

"Really? That is dreadfully long. Although, not quite so long if you were coming from Europe, am I right?" She bounced the "baby" in her arms. "Oh, would you like to see my baby?"

"Of course!"

She lifted the blanket wrapped around the "child" and revealed an Alf-doll and I fought not to laugh, "He's beautiful."

"Oh, thank you, darling," she smiled. She turned me around and when I looked out the window, I could see my final destination. Just outside the doors was Brian and about six others, clammered around him. I reconized him immediately, despite how he was wearing a hat with fake hair and dark sunglasses.I walked through the front doors, giddy and so happy to be there at last.

"Welcome to California!!!" they all shouted.

Welcome to California, indeed... I never felt like royalty before and I am forever grateful to Brian and his wonderful friends who put together the most unforgettable welcome I've ever experienced. It was the best beginning to what has been the most wonderful break. Ever. Not just from school, or family, or Washington. But just being here is a blessing.

God, why do You do such wonderful things for me? I'm so undeserving. Good times, God... Good times...
I'm here in Brian's place! Will write more later!
I leave tomorrow morning at 7:30 am for the Amtrak whose 11 Train will leave (with me on it) at 10:00 am. Who knows what I'll see? Who knows what I'll do? I'm going on an adventure. Now, just sit back, and imagine me running around a train being chased by a large group of dusty, cowboy men. They're after an ancient piece of art which belongs in a museum, however I presently possess in my hand and am risking my life to keep it from their reach. I jump from car to car, avoiding certain doom, and eventually, by some terrible mishap, land in a bucket full of snakes. However, I make it out safely and encounter some pretty gruff, rough, dirty bad guys and at some point, I'll attain a whip. It'll be a grand time and by the end of it all, I will be addicted to the act of pure adventure.

...Just pray for me, ok guys?

Will write more of my activities soon.

Sincerely,
Indiana Jones
California Carly
I refuse to write about what's going on in our country because I can't say anything that hasn't been said already by so many other bloggers out there. Therefore, I'm going to write about what I know best! Myself. Does that make me conceded?

One night last August, I was lying awake in bed and my thoughts wouldn't let me sleep. I literally could not stop thinking about relationships, all kinds of relationships, but the ones of dating and courtship were the ones that were sticking out most. I was thinking about my friends who have all dated and I was thinking about my sister and my brother-in-law and how it came to pass that they got married. How did it work? How do people hook up? What's the process?

My entire life, God has had His arms wrapped around me, protecting me of everything that results in pain, hurt, and confusion. Not that I haven't dabbled in my share of those things. Because I have. However, not to the extent of what I could have gone through had I not been so protected by God. Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. My heart remains intact and where it belongs, which be inside me.

That night, lying awake, it dawned on me how much God was in control of my life and literally guiding my every step. And I felt so at peace. However, I still couldn't fall asleep and I still couldn't get my mind off the subject. I started asking God, Why can't I stop thinking about this? I realize how much You're with me and I don't have to worry about these things. So why can't I just sleep and not concern myself with this anymore? It wasn't one minute later that I grew incredibly tired and sunk deep into my mattress, and it was because of this: God said that this year was going to be different and that my life was going to change.

And oh, how different it hath been thus far... I can only imagine what is to come.
Time to celebrate. Because I'm officially done with my philosophy course.

NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! NO MORE PHILOSOPHY! WOOHOO!
I came home from school today to find my grandmother, my mom's mom, sitting in my living room with the rest of the family. I had no idea she was going to be here. She flew in this morning. I hugged her and told her how excited I was she was here. However, all I could think about was how much it appeared she had shrunk since I last saw her at Christmas. She's five-foot nothing and a bundle of cuteness and bubbling joy. She and my grandfather are just as much in love as they were the day they were married.

She's such a babe.

"I'm going to Hawaii in 12 hours," she giggles.

"I'm going to Sacremento in two weeks," he pipes.

"I'm going to Aspen for a week," he smirks.

If you dwell in the Open Learning Center at school, you'll get to hear everyone brag about the various places they're going.

And in my head, I join the conversation, "I'm going to San Luis Obispo. I'm taking the train. In. Your. Face." Because I know that where I'm going is for far better reasons than theirs.

"I'm gonna hit Maui. I love my new bikini."

"Yeah, I might go to San Diego too. Pick up some rays."

"Dude, I just wanna get drunk."

And then there's me... "I'm going because I've always wanted to ride on a train. I hear they got good food."

I'm such the party animal.
I love my family. They give me joy, they give me laughter. They back me up, they support me, they encourage me. They give me advice, they listen to me. They are everything anyone could ask for in a family.

And they drive me out out of my mind.

Which is why I'm not staying home. Which is why I'm not going to Canada. Well, maybe not Canada. However, because they make me "crazy go nuts," I have decided not to remain where I currently reside. In that little house on the dog prairie. Not staying.

I've got some friends down south. A certain two kids in Oregon who I have been longing to see the second I saw their car pull away from our campsite last July...

Alex and Nathan, do you have any idea how bad I miss you?

Some really awesome kids in California who I've been dying to see (meet?).

Brian, Josh, Alissa, Preston! Could be any day now, kids!

Although, I am really sad I won't see Ryan for yet another five to six weeks. I missed the boy terribly since he left in January. I was looking forward to looking up at him at the airport. And being mashed by his incredibly long arms. I promise, Ryan, as soon as you see me, you have my full permission to mess up my hair as bad you like. Just do it. I want you to. I won't get mad. I promise, I won't. I owe you that much.

Alright... Will write more later. I'll give more details. Right now, I... uh... gotta... uh... call somebody. Yeah.
No birth certificate, no go to Canada.
No Canada, no $500 airplane ticket refund.
No $500 refund, no more miss nice guy girl.

I swear, I'll do something drastic.
This morning at church, Kyle, Josh, and I arrived on time. We sat adjacent to the snack table--for convenience. During the intermission, I was enjoying an ice-cold cup of water and a cookie when I saw out of the corner of my eye a very special, unique gathering.

Pregnant women. Their round bellies sticking out about two and a half feet, standing in a circle with their feet about hip-width apart. Their maternity shirts always reminded me of tents and I always smile at the the thought of their maternity jeans with the cotton fronts--to simulate normal jeans. All their hands pressed against their sides, as if to hold themselves up. They smile because their happy--happy to be pregnant, to be a mom (soon), to produce life, to share something with their husbands. I watched in wonder... Like a special club I never desired to join, but only to admire from afar. They all have their special numbers and names and secrets.

"Just one more month now!"

"Oh, Barbara! How exciting! Have you and Frank picked out a name yet?"

"Oh no... We've decided to wait. We don't even know if it's a boy or a girl."

"Oh! I could never do that! Sandy, could you ever do that?"

"Do what?"

"Go without knowing if the baby's a boy or girl?"

"Oh no! Never! I'm glad I know! Ever since we found out, Jeff and I'll talk to Chloe so she gets used the sound of our voices."

"To each her own, I suppose!"

"You know I've grown four inches in girth in just the last week?!"

At this point, I expected Betty Santiago to get a high-five, but I was wrong.

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"I know! Can you believe it?! I tell ya, this baby's gonna be a big one!"

I watched and listened quietly and started imagining each of these women about two or three months from now. Cradling their chubby creations against them, rubbing their backs and humming softly into their tiny ears. Occasionally, the new mom will look lovingly at her husband, remembering the entire event. The moment the contractions started. The second they arrived to the hospital. The video camera not working at first and the soon-to-be Grandpa trying to fix it. The crying sister-in-law. The drunk Uncle Steve and his stumbling into the wrong doctor's office, only to witness the miracle belonging to someone who wasn't his sister. A day that would never be forgotten. A life that would always be treasured.

The last time I held a baby, a newborn, the kind that are still discovering what the function of their fingers is... I can't remember the last time I held one of them. But I really wish I could have today. To remember how fragile I once was and how my own parents cradled me in their arms at one time. If I could hold a baby now, I wouldn't be able to stop staring into his or her face. I'd be wondering who they were going to be and if I would ever pass them along the street someday. And if we did pass each other, whether or not I would know that at one time, I held that person in my arms...
Tips for the beginner.
Time for a free-write!!!

I was thinking about today and I was actually really looking forward to all of it. I had so many things I could do. Hang out with my brother. Hang out by myself. Listen to music. Go downtown. Do whatever. I really felt like being active today, but I ended up not being because it was really sunny out and it made me feel all lazy.

Kyle and I are probably going to go play frisbee pretty soon at the park about a mile away in the next couple days. Work on our game. Sharpen our mad skills. Leap about. Run around. Burn some calories. Fall down. Good times. Fun times. Great times. Super-duper times will be had by all.

Today is Ryan's birthday and I've been asking him for the last three weeks or so to tell me when it was and he never would. He says he "hates" his birthday, but I don't buy that for a single millisecond because who doesn't like their birthday? I mean, maybe some people who classify themselves as "old" or "older" don't and that makes sense. However, when it comes to the teenage years, and since Ryan's turning 21, I think that's pretty good reason to be happy. Anyways, it's not about the age anyway. It's about the recognition. Your birthday was a special day because that was the day God brought you into the world--and let me tell you something! That is worth celebrating!!!

Alright, alright, so I think I've written enough... I've been really distracted because "Joe vs. The Volcano" is on ABC Family right now and I never really watched the movie thoroughly before... So I was never able to decide on whether I really liked the movie or not. Especially with so many different Meg Ryan's and their different hair-colors and lengths. Get's a big irritating. Actually... Meg Ryan is just irritating. Moving on...

I'm going to my room.
What would everyone say to webcam? I honestly think it would make things more interesting. More dynamic, if you will. Think about the interactive landscape it would create. Let's hear what the world has to say? You there--in the back--what do you think?
"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
Spur of the moment...

Bachelor Bob is the reason why God created smiles.

I remember sitting in my bedroom when I was 13 years old, staring out my window with my Mickey Mouse phone pressed to my ear. It was raining outside. Tiny streams of water gleamed down my window. I sighed into the receiver, not knowing how I should feel. Leah was on the other end.

Leah asked casually, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna leave."

"You wanna go somewhere?"

"Yes, anywhere away from home."

"Away from home?"

"Yeah, just anywhere off this property."

"Haha."

And it was true. I did. I wanted to be anywhere but there at home. More than anything else. I would have been happiest somewhere besides at home. I never understood why I felt that way. It was true that I was always really independent, but to leave home completely and at such a young age? Most kids that age are very attached to their parents and are scared to be away from them for more than 24 hours. At the age of 13, most kids are just reaching that time in their lives when they can stay an entire night at a slumber party. Not me. I was at that point by the time I was eight. I would daydream about running away from home, living the life as an independent teenager who could survive on her own. I had a wild imagination. I imagined I could get a job working for Disney as the youngest illustrator they'd ever consider hiring. I imagined finding a job at some dude ranch, taking care of horses and teaching people how to ride. I thought I could. I thought it was possible. But how could I ever leave my family? Who I love! Not to mention, I lacked so many resources. I may have had a wild imagination, but I still had a grasp on reality.

When I turned 15, I picked up the guitar. I took my guitar to school everyday my sophomore year. I learned fairly quickly because there were so many kids who also knew how to play, so there was a butt-load of knowledge to gain. By the end of my sophomore year, I was as good as, if not better than, several of the kids who taught me the things they knew. It was inevitable. With every person who came to me, asking permission to play my guitar, I would reply, "Sure, if you show me how you do stuff." Of course, they would return the favor and show me everything it was they did and how they did it. I discovered I actually had a natural ability to play and the idea of becoming a professional, full-time musician seaped into my mind. The thought of traveling, touring, playing, performing, running the show... What part of that doesn't sound appealing? However, my parents weren't too keen about me becoming a musician.

"It takes a lot of talent to be successful at that, and even if you got the talent, it takes a long, long time to start making money at it. You need to go school and study something that'll make you money in the meantime, that way you're never destitute and completely broke."

To be perfectly honest, I was never concerned with money. In the ninth grade, for our "Job Shadow" projects, I remember writing about how I didn't care about the money I made, just so long as I loved what I was doing. By the time I was a junior in high school, the voices of everyone around me were telling me otherwise. Money was key. Money brought happiness. With money, I could afford all the things I loved to do and more. However, if I pursued the things I loved immediately, I would never make a "decent" amount of money, like I could if I went into some major economical venue. My father pushed me toward graphic design.

"There's so much in graphic design, Car. And if you get good at it, you can make up to $12,000-15,000 for every logo you design!" Hard to believe, but I looked into it. It's true. However, I knew that's not what I wanted.

Senior year, when I was 17, I started thinking about graduation. What was I going to do after high school? What was I really going to do with my life? What did I really want?

There are two things I love to do more than anything else on the planet:

1. Write.
2. Play the guitar.

I have been told that I have a couple gifts, a couple things that I got a "knack" for. Those couple things are:

1. Writing.
2. Playing the guitar.

There are a two things I do that I don't thank God for nearly enough. A couple of gifts He gave me for which I often neglect to say, "It's because of You, God." Those gifts are:

1. Writing.
2. Playing the guitar.

Have I made my point? Have I made it clear? What if all my fickleness and all my mind-changing has only brought me back to where I was when I was 13 years old? When all I wanted to do was leave my home, my family, and embark on a life of utter dependence. Sole reliance on the Almighty God who takes care of me every single day. What if I've known all along what I wanted to do with my life, but I was too scared to admit that everyone else's opinions were wrong? Could I possibly be one of the few in America who was never meant to go to a university or college and earn a bachelor's degree? What if I become one of the "abnormal" people in this world and actually choose the life of a struggling musician and writer? What if that's what God wanted for me all along? Could I possibly be the most crazy girl in the world? Why do I find the idea of struggling, of working extra hard for something--like getting something published or booking a cafe gig--so incredibly appealing? Why do I smile about stepping outside the typical life only to appear as one who is ridiculous, insane, and naive? How could I choose a life that's so... eclectic?
Pray for me. Just pray.

God is leading me toward a climax and it will ultimately decide where I will and ought to be. However, it may be somewhere even I didn't expect. Only God knows.
Last weekend, Sarah, Jen, John and I met up to hang out for an evening before going to Travis' place. We went to a Thai food restaurant where John appeared a fool to the waitress after ordering sweet-&-sour sauce "on the side." However, I think I appeared disrespectful when I said, "I'll stick with water, thanks."

After we left the restaurant and Jen and I wrestled John for his fortune cookie, we squeezed into John's two-door and made our way back to town. However, when the appropriate exit appeared, John seemed to miss it and turned his way onto the south onramp, going against the direction which lead to Travis' apartment.

"John! What are you doing?!" We three girls squealed.

"What? What? Oh no! Did I miss it?!" John said with a smirk.

"Seriously, John! What are you doing?"

"I dunno! Where are we going?"

"John is kidnapping us," Sarah piped. "This should be fun."

So, John took us "against our will" to the Kirkland Waterfront, which he later said had been one of his favorite places to visit. He had no reason to take us that night, but felt like being spontaneous and fun and thought we would enjoy running along the docks and chasing the Canadian geese. I certainly did. However, the geese did not satisfy my pleasure when they didn't decide to get up and waddle away until I was within two inches of their feathery behinds.

"Get up, you geese! Go! Run away! Fly!"

There were four of them and they sat comfortably on a small patch of sand, just where the water stopped coming in. They all eyed me, those black beady eyes, and lazily sat up and entered the water, only to paddle away even slower.

"You've gotta be kidding me! I'm threatening your lives! Don't you understand?!" I said blunty to them, waving my arms and stamping my feet. I can imagine their conversation, silent to my own ears.

I wonder if she knows how stupid she looks.

Why is she waving her arms? We can see her just fine.

She's trying to make herself look bigger than she really is.

So she's harmless.

Basically, yeah...

That's what I thought...


Afterward, we four friends gathered at the edge of the dock and talked of many things: of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax, of cabbages, and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings. Amidst all our discussions and prancing around, I looked to the sky and saw a large light moving rather quickly through the clouds.

"What is that?" I asked no one.

Everyone turned and looked at the large, round light and only stared for moment.

"It's an airplane," John said.

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like an airplane."

"Yeah, it kinda doesn't, but it's definitely an airplane."

I stared at it for a moment longer and images of nuclear war started to race across my mind. Mushroom clouds and the effects of radiation on the human skin. Suddenly, the orange bar of terrorist attacks boosts up to the red bar and even makes a little "bloop" noise as it does so.

Please, be an airplane. Please, be an airplane. Please, be an airplane. Please, be an airplane.

It was an airplane. A happy little airplane with a happy little light at the center of its happy little frame. No need for paranoia or worry. Although, soon after that, I desired nothing more than to make it safely back to Travis' apartment where we were ought to be, where we were originally supposed to have gone.

“O Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?”
But answer came there none—
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d eaten every one.
- The Walrus and the Carpenter
You know what's funny? What's funny is when you hear your phone ring, your phone, but it's in the other room. So you dash like a madman to retreive it but in the process, fall flat on your face as you turn the corner across the hardwood floor. In this particular case, I fall.
I hate it when people don't try.
I love it when people catch me off guard with their acts of kindness.
I hate it when people are blind.
I love it when people are genuine and reveal their true selves to others.
I hate it when people hurt me.
I love it when people hurt me but still desire to know me personally.

People and I have a love/hate relationship sorta thing going on...
A friend of mine convinced me that 99.9% of first kisses are terrible and that it would be best to practice beforehand.

"How?" I asked him.

"Kiss your hand."

"What?"

"Kiss your hand."

"I'm not going to kiss my hand."

"Kiss it."

"But it won't kiss back."

"Yes it will. Just give it a face."

My friend proceeded to tell me to draw a face onto my hand. Eyes. Lips. And to make it more masculine, I decided to draw a mustache. I described the face to my friend. My friend approved and told me to kiss "him."

"No, I'm not kissing it."

"His name is Pablo."

"Pablo?"

"Yes, Pablo. Kiss Pablo."

"I'm not going to kiss Pablo."

This went on for a little while longer before we changed the subject and went on into yet another random tangent.

This morning when I took a shower, I neglected to dispose of Pablo from my hand. The idea of scrubbing Pablo's "face" off the in-between place between my thumb and index finger gives me disturbing and creepy feelings, even now.

When I went to Barnes&Noble to pick up a book, recommended by the same friend who recommended I practice kissing Pablo, I failed to notice Pablo staring up at me as I wrote my name across the B&N receipt given me by the cashier. However, the cashier did notice Pablo.

"Eyes?"

"What?"

"Your hand has a face."

I chuckled nervously, "Uh... Yah..."

"That's really funny."

"Thank you."

Thank you?

I walked through the store's front doors and held my left hand up to my own eyes. Pablo is cross-eyed and has since lost his mustache. But the cashier was definitely right. Pablo's really funny.
Currently reading Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. I've only had the time to get through the first 16 pages, one complete story. I laughed out loud as I read it. Looking very much forward to reading the next 13-20 pages. This is a #1 National Bestseller. It's basically about nothing--simply stories and experiences provided by a simple-looking man named David Sedaris. A #1 National Bestseller, nonetheless.

One day will come, when I'm looking for something entertaining and pull something off the shelf I'd never thought I'd see...

Just A Happy Thought by Carly Nicole Bishop.
From the hands of my brother, anything can be funny.

Lunch. All-American hogie. Jones Soda, a product of Canada: Fufu Berry. A fortune revealed beneath the bottle cap.

"You will seriously consider a move by year-end."

Who knew?
I used to want to be someone else. I wished to be someone quiet and mysterious; beautiful; poetry in disguise. I could never attain that persona. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't change. I still told stories and made myself a fool by making semi-accurate impersonations of everything and anyone.

In elementary school, up until the third grade, I was known for being the only girl running to catch the soaring soccer ball in a wild game of Three Flies Up. I was the girl known for getting kicked in the face and not crying. I was known for courage, for defending my older sister (by three years) against any potty-mouthed jerk who told her she was a snob. Pushing them up against the brick wall and glaring up at them, completely and utterly pissed as any second or third grader can be. I was the challenger of any boy who claimed to be "the ultimate tether-ball champ." Even when I lost, I walked away smiling. I had dedicated friends who made me laugh and teachers who loved calling on me when I'd raise my hand. Confident and assured of myself. Well-spoken and mature for my age. I didn't have an ego in elementary school, instead I simply knew who I was.

In junior high, my freshman year (still junior high for us Washingtonians), a friend told me something I'll never forget.

"Everyone knows who you are, Carly, but that's not really a great thing. I mean, everyone knowing you and popularity are very different things. You might as well be known as a loser..."

That kid ended up becoming the ASB President our senior year of high school.

Remember that one time your mom gave you this evil piece of information?

"Sticks and stone may break your bones, but words can never hurt you."

My mom through that one at me the first time when I was six years old. I knew it was crap then just as much as I know it's crap now. The purest crap known to man, in fact.

Freshman year was the first time I ever wanted to be someone else. Someone who everyone wished they knew. A girl all the other girls adored. A girl every guy pined after. Intriguing and hard-to-get. The ideal of every person's eye. A girl who listened and understood everyone she met. A girl who could read people simply by looking at the way they stood in front of me. Knowing, but acting as though I didn't... Humble, but pretending like I ought to be more so... Shy and inexplicable.

I've come to realize that changing is a really difficult process. Still, I sometimes return to the thought. The image of being all those things. Strip away my story-telling, replace it with meaningful wisdom. Take away my impersonations and in its place, listen to me quote appropriate Bible verses and other philosophical leaders. No more of me, but rather a girl you never quite know fully...
I was coming home from babysitting this afternoon and it started snowing. At first, I just thought they were oddly shaped raindrops... Yes, it's been that long since I've seen snow. When it dawned on me that it was truly snowing out, on this day of March 7th, I started laughing. Laughing like a little kid who's been thrown into a kiddie pool. Spashing and squirming and giggling all the way home...
The infamous philosophy teacher.


The infamous white board.


The angst.
I'm sitting in my friend's roommate's room... I've had the most wonderful night. John told a story that resulted in me crying ridiculously hard. I cried. I hurt. It was quite funny. Not really the story he told, but how he was sorta, kinda, really trying to be serious about it... Or maybe he wasn't. I'm not sure... All I know is--laughing like that made me happy to be alive.

"So this one time I was at youth group and my youth leader asked me to read something from Matthew... Yeah, I think it was Matthew... Anyways... Basically, the verse was supposed to go something like, 'And Jesus said to his disciples...' but I remember thinking that I was reading from the New Testament... I dunno, something about Testament... And so I ended up saying 'And Jesus said to his testicles...'" And that's when I lost it and was unable to listen to the rest of the story... I lost it completely. Tears streamed down my face, my teeth chattered, my arms shivered. It was the biggest laughing fit I'd had in a very long time. I wish it happened more often.
Remember when it was at 57 days? It was 57 days left before I leave for New Brunswick to visit Ryan at his Bible College? Well... That number has depleted down to 14 days. That's right. Only 14 days left before I leave.

Two weeks.

Time like that flies by. Especially when one has homework to finish and friends to hang out with. I have so many things right here, right now, directly in front of me but all I can think about is what it's going to be like... That first night, when I lie in the bed next to Kate's in her dorm-room... You know what I'm going to say, don't you?

"I can't believe I'm actually here."
I'm trying to decide whether the newest reality TV show Married By America is idiotic, ridiculous, evil, crazy, stupid, moronic, retarded, screwed up, twisted, or insane...

Yeah... I think it's all those things.
Naps are sweet, wonderful things. A thing I have not experienced in at least five months or so. I've missed naps. I've desired a nap. I wish I could take one now, but it's 10:15 pm and if I took a nap now, then I would just be going to sleep... So where's the joy in that? There is no joy in that. I would just go to sleep and wake up early and that would be it. No satisfaction whatsoever. I wish it were earlier... I would take a nap if it were earlier. When the sun was just starting to go down and Kyle were still at school and my parents were at the airport... I would take a nap at exactly that point. But that time will never come again... At least, not for another special occasion, when I know I'll take it for granted and neglect a nap again. I really wish I could take a nap.
Presenting!

Me in the Chipmunk World.
Part Two to my Embarrassing Story has been added. Go ahead and laugh. Or cry, whichever you prefer.
Tonight was great. Think of every last thing you consider great and forget about it all... Because nothing compares to how great tonight was. Nothing.

Leah and her school chums came for me around 6:45 tonight and we all left for a worship service at some friends' church/youth hall. It was at the same place I played my first show last month on the 31st. That's right, children--the Yak Room. You're all very sharp. Congrats.

Well, it was, by far, the best worship in which I have participated in about nine to ten months. Tonight, I sang to God. Really sang to Him. And I loved singing to Him. A smirk of pure gratitude was glued to my face the entire night. God is truly good. He is all good.

And to complete the evening, the girls took me to the Old Spaggetti Factory. I had never been there before, but I guarantee you, I will go back. And I will surely choose the Spinolli ice cream over the vanilla--I promise.
I love it when I don't ask for advice but my friends already know when they need to give it. She said everything I didn't even realize I needed to hear. Good ol' Steph--thanks for being there for me. "100%."
I had a fun night tonight. I've been rather irked in the last 24 hours by a couple close friends, but all of that was quickly forgotten simply by visiting others. One being my best friend, the other being a great Canadian girl who I've come to adore, and lastly, a friend I haven't seen since October and who will be leaving on a two-year mission in less than two weeks. For a while, I thought friends from my childhood, the ones I managed to maintain all through junior high and high school, would be the ones most difficult to keep after graduating. But tonight, I was reminded of how easy it can be to keep them.

Nothing beats a game of Jenga.